How to have Healthy Arguments in Marriage?

How to have healthy arguments in marriage?

There is plenty to disagree on! Being in love sure does not mean you don’t have an opinion. The best way to deal with conflict is to realize that 1) you will have conflict and 2) that it is perfectly normal. Arguments will happen in a healthy marriage. What makes the difference, is how you argue.

It is important to keep your focus on tackling the problem and not attacking each other. Conflict Resolution books call it, “focusing on the problem, not the person.” So, when you are upset about him not making the bed or her shopping too much, remember that you two are a team. As a couple, it’s important to talk about why you are upset and to focus on finding a solution.

One way that a lot of couples have found to be helpful is to use “safe” phrases. “Safe” phrases are phrases that both of you have agreed that when you hear that particular phrase, you will see that as your spouse reaching out to you to come to a solution. A couple of examples of “safe” phrases are:

“When you said ____________________, I felt ______________.”

“How can we reach a solution?”

“I know this specific incident upset you, was there anything else that this incident reminded you of that also hurts you?”

Think about this last question…for most newlyweds, there was life before each other. Sometimes we can say or do things that remind our spouse of an injury from the past. If we give them a chance to recognize that connection and express that emotion, we give them an opportunity to heal from that previous experience. It’s important to have healthy arguments in marriage.

It is important to remember that you are “life” partners that means you are partnering with each other on how to deal with life. So, these kinds of questions really help you be a kind and affirming partner.